Jess, The Princess Of Pontefract

A children’s story
Inspired By: Jess, a black and white cat
Words and imaginings by: Vicky Lingard
For the owners of Jess

Well today my slaves went away, early morning start, it was for them. So I knew That Noel would be looking after me for ages. She’s an O.K Kind of lady, but doesn’t quite know the perfect cuddling style for me. She shall soon learn, I have sharp teeth!
Maybe this means that, that Vicky girl will be coming to visit me regularly, she snuggles me in front of the fire and lets me sit on her knee… even when she is eating dinner.
That big smelly creature, Charlie, wont be here, so I’ll have to snuggle up in his bed without him. The house best be warm on a night!

My first night alone

Tonight I have been planning ways to be cheeky, I am a princess but only for my mummy and daddy, (my humans!) So, here are my top secret plans:
* Tiddle where the humans are most likely going to tread in it! I know they enjoy having soggy feet really! Mwahaha
*Poo next to the litter tray but not in it… this has to be part of my plan, I can’t find the tray very well. (I’m blind)
* When the girl comes pretend I haven’t had much to eat and look all cute and sad. This way she will give me extra cuddles and allow me to pig out on treats.
*When Aunty Noel and Vicky come I shall shout as loud as I can for as long as I can… Just to see what happens!
My humans aren’t here so I have to do all this to make sure I will get treated like the princess I am! Otherwise I may have to sulk with my cuddly mummy when she gets back so she doesn’t leave me ever again! Unless going to buy me presents… that is allowed.

Step One of My Master Plan

It’s taken me a couple of days to learn the routines of Aunty Noel and Vicky. Knowing this is very important to ensure smooth running of my master plan!
Today I will have a wee in the room that smells like humans. I have learnt that Aunty Noel checks to make sure I’ve not made a mess during the night. What does she think?! That I’m going to have a wild party with all the streets Queens and Toms? I think not! This is my palace and no other creature can have the pleasure! Apart from Charlie, he is my slave and here only to keep me warm… and let my anger out on! (After all, I have to have something to attack, and his big waggy tail is perfect!)
I unleashed a flow of pure pleasure, I’d held on to this one for a while! I made a dash to the litter tray, my thrown. Only to pump into it, which confused me very much, I was so desperate, I had an unintentional accident and did it right there in front of my tray! If any one asks, this was part of my plans too.

Step Two: Working on the Girl

Well finally! It’s taken the girl a few days to come and visit… two days is way too long for my liking! I shall inform the Mummy straight away when she comes home… That girl is not going to get away with this.
The first thing she did when walking into the house was a dump a thousand bags of washing right on my floor! Who does she think she is? Bringing strange smells into my palace, it is disgusting and not on at all! Vicky tried to make the peace by running her fingers on the tips of my perfectly pretty whiskers and rubbing my head….Ahhhh this is pure delight. I forgot myself…and I purred! What was I thinking? I quickly gathered my thoughts and chewed her fingers… She let me! I think she thought it was a game, she kept shoving her fingers in my face to make me bite some more! Strange girl she is!
She gave another rub on my head the picked me up, she rested my back feet on her chest and my front paws on her shoulder and snuggled me tight. I felt so safe and warm that I forgot myself again! Yes! I let out a huge long purr, the loudest I’d ever let Vicky witness, so she cuddled me tighter… Oh my kittens! This was delightful! Eventually (it took a while) I came to my senses and dribbled down her shoulder. Mwahaha! That’ll teach her!
She gently put me down on the floor and gave me tow hole denta treats! TWO! Haha, big mistake, I gulped them down, meowed as if I was happy, then unleashed two lots of warm gooey, half chewed meat, right from the bottom of my tummy! This worked a treat, she rushed to clean it up and picked me straight up, sat on the floor and put me on her knee…. Purrrrfect! All this princess wants is a knee to sleep on! I can’t believe I have to use my master plan to get these things when I want them! No one is allowed cuddles from me when they want it! It has to be when I’m good and ready. These people should know this without me having to wee everywhere!.

Step Three: Confusing the Aunt

Well today I had an idea. An idea to change my tatics completely! I held on as long as I can… No poo or wees anywhere! That sure made Aunty Noel panic… so much so, she wrote a note to my humans! She is such a tell tale! As if i’d tell on her for not putting enough meat in my bowl! She then took me outside, I like outside, the wind in my whiskers and the fresh air going right up my nostrels, but I can’t let anyone know this! So I shouted as loud as I could and I paced back and forth, round and round! I couldn’t keep this up, I was bursting! So I found my favourite spot, dug the best hole in the world and releived myself… Drat! I was saving that for someone to stand in!

Step Four, The Soggy Socks

Trying to set this up was quite difficult, that Vicky girl is actually, really quite nice…and strange! She was so nice to me today! She came straight in, ignored the washing piles and put me straight on her knee, she told me she was tired because that boy who pulls my tail is stressed about university, so she stayed up all night with him to help him do his work and make him feel better. Having a boy sounds hard work if you ask me!
She pulled a book out of that bottemless pit she calls a bag… (why humans carry so much rubbish with them is beyond me! All you need is biscuits!) She read the book to me, two very long chapters about the grisly effects of human birth… Yucky! As if I need to know any of this! Humans are disgusting creatures enough, they poo in water for example! Eurgh, who or what would willingly get their bum splashed by mucky, smelly, cold and wet water?
After cuddles on a very warm knee and an overload of graphic human experiences Vicky put me on the floor and did the funniest thing in the world! She tickled my nose with my funny feeling mouse! I jumped on it, I clawed at it, I gave it a mean chewing and then flicked it across the kitchen. Vicky went and brought it back… I didn’t know humans liked to play fetch! I kept this game up for ages, untill I got fed up! I picked the mouse up in my mouth and wondered off with it. I shouted while doing so, just to let the street know that I am a clever cat, and can infact catch the fastest mouse in town! Nothing gets away from these teeth!
I plodded on up the steep stairs and dropped the now sufficiently tortured mouse down the stairs. Vicky followed me, rubbed my head and then went into the room with all the wet things! How dare she, how very dare she leave me, just to get her bum splashed or whatever she was doing. So I shouted at her and did not stop, that showed her! She cuddled me tight when she came out of that room (I hope she washed her hands!) This didn’t satisfy me enough, I didn’t feel she had done all she could to make me feel better for leaving me. So I ran off, I had a wee right at the bottom of the stairs, Just where vicky stepped on her way into the kitchen! I am avery clever kitty!
This made the girl do the strangest things, she said
“OH JESS!”
Then turned slightly and stroked her shoes… Come on! I know they are black, but in no way do I look like a pair of shoes! Sleep deprived humans are so stupid! Vicky even laughed at herself… she really isn’t that funny.

Step Five, Giving Them a Head Ache

After exhausting all my ideas I got a little bored. One evening Vicky came round, she did everything right! (She’s a fast learner!) She cuddled me, she checked my food, she put the fire place on for me, she even tried to play with me. I didn’t feel like entertaining her so I kept wondering off and meowing at the top of my lungs, this wasn’t intentionally to annoy the girl. I just needed a good cry! I’m bored and fed up now. I miss my humans. I hope they come home soon!

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